Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
