I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
