Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
