This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
