I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
