You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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