im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Randomize
