Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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