I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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