I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
