So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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