He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
