so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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