Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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