Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
