Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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