I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
