I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
