You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
