You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
