she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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