Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
