She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
