I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
