i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
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Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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