I got chris browned last night
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
