When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
