i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
