MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
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