I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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