Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
