Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
