Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize