Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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