so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I have demons in me.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
