Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
