guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
