my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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