i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
do herpes really smell.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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