DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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