i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
