Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
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Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
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We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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