Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
