don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
