I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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