my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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