you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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