I think my fart just growled at me.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Randomize
