I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
