We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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