I wish my penis had an off switch
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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