dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
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I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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