Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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