Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
