walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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