btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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